Ringing in the New Year – Shutting Out the Noise

I usually end the year with a post about what I’ve accomplished in the outgoing year, and what I hope to accomplish in the year to come. This year I really haven’t blogged much. I shared in shorter bursts on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, outlets that don’t require a lot of writing or deep thought, and saved what little writing time I had for my book, stealing moments here and there throughout the year.

I miss blogging very much.

Many things came between me and my writing this year. I should say, I allowed many things to come in between me and my writing. I was feeling down about it for a while, but have since come to the conclusion that this was a phase I had to go through. There were things that I wanted to do this year, and they took a lot of my time and energy.

I wanted to buy a house and establish a foundation.

I wanted to produce a successful event for work that people would remember.

I wanted to go to Israel, where I was born, where my mother is buried, where I have family and friends whom I haven’t seen in many years.

I toyed with the idea of adopting a second dog, and then did so on a whim during the busiest period of the year. I’ll post more about Gracie later. In the meantime, here she is (on left) with Ruby about four weeks after I adopted her.

I wanted to see a lot of art.

(Pictured are works by Louise Bourgeois, Ad Reinhardt, Ruth Asawa, and Kenny Scharf)

All these things I did, plus lots of hiking.

It was a productive year but not a writing year. In my free time, I mostly watched television, went out with friends or traveled, all good things to do but not conducive to writing.

The time has come to once and for all make writing a priority. I still have two part-time jobs, two dogs, many friends and responsibilities. But I’m changing how I approach life, how I see myself, and what I do in my free time. Starting with this weekend.

I signed off of social media and, after I publish this blog post, will be completely offline for the next three days. I’ll log in again on Tuesday morning. Save for one meeting at my house tomorrow morning, I have cleared my schedule for the entire weekend. I have no plans to go out New Years Eve. I will hike, but that’s how I clear my mind and get the dogs to sleep all afternoon.

I am sequestering myself not only to write, but also to think and get centered without the constant noise of life. There’s a coffee shop/bar just down the street, in case I get lonely. But I don’t think I will.  I am craving quiet, alone time. Zero obligations and distractions. Minimal time in my car, on the phone, watching television. As a writer, this is how I get my head straight.

I’ll report back next week. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year, as well as a safe New Years Eve. See you on the other side. xoxo

 

A New Chapter Begins

I’ve been away from the blog for a while because all I wanted to write about was how stressful house-buying is, and I couldn’t put that out there publicly while the process was happening. Well, as of one week ago, that dilemma became mute. I am officially a homeowner! And it is nothing short of a miracle.

Financially, it squeezed everything I had and then some. Beyond that, it was a huge emotional life step, one that’s honestly still sinking in. I’ve never owned a house before. The prospect of owning one by myself is daunting, liberating, and bittersweet.

I so wish that Kaz was with me to enjoy this milestone and that we were buying it together. I also know that he is beaming with pride and joy to see me settled in a safe, secure environment, great community, and with a smart investment.

My hope is that owning this house won’t be a distraction, but rather a jumping off point for (literally) the next chapter of my life. I have to force myself to stick to that, but I feel confident that I can do it.

Part of what got me through the house-buying stress was editing and writing my book. I didn’t have the mental bandwith to also blog, but at least I wasn’t totally uncreative. Writing really helped keep me focused and steady during the ups and downs of the process, which were many. I just kept thinking, “everything is going to be okay.”

Here’s to new beginnings and a new chapter in life.

 

 

Looking Back / Looking Forward

It’s been a crazy busy fall/winter, partly because of Ruby’s injury and the fundraising effort for her surgery (thank you to those of you who donated!!). So, I’m a little late with this traditional end-of-year post, but better late than never.

Looking back… 2015 was a difficult year, but also a rewarding one. It was my first full year living in New York, and my first year working full-time as a freelance writer. Then, at the end of the year, I found myself facing several large expenses, including Ruby’s surgery and getting my car repaired after colliding with a deer in October. But I managed to overcome.

In 2015, I…

– Survived winter! No small feat after living 19 years in Los Angeles.

– Met a lot of people by being outgoing and getting a part-time job at a popular farm-to-table cafe, something I wrote about in this post. I feel very fortunate to have made a few solid friends here.

– Was invited back to Los Angeles as a guest panelist on Death and Loss:  Women Writing Out Loud workshop at BinderCon, a symposium for women writers.

– Was interviewed about my experience as a newlywed widow by Nancy Redd on HuffPost Live.

– Made over 50% of my income from freelance writing and editing.

– Applied and was accepted to several professional groups: The American Society of Journalists and Authors, Gotham Ghostwriters, The Director’s List, and Film Fatales (two groups for women directors).

– Took a writing workshop with Linda Schreyer called Slipper Camp that prompted me to write several essays (highly recommend to anyone wanting to jumpstart their writing).

– Saw my name in print four times in Upstate House Magazine.

– Founded WriteUP New York, a collective of freelance writers living in upstate New York (email me or find us on Facebook if you’re interested in joining!).

– Took a Branded Content writing workshop with the incredible David Hochman and wrote four branded content articles that will publish on Huffington Post in 2016.

– Reported my first same-day story, about a local town that just overturned its ban on alcohol. What a thrill to report, write, file and get published within 24 hours!

– Learned how to use a power drill and built my first do-it-yourself project (I’ve since built two more things!).

– Enhanced my photography skills, my other new hobby.

– Raised over $2500 for my dog’s surgery.

– Became one with my motorcycle with over 1000 miles of riding through gorgeous upstate New York.

But the really big news is that at the end of 2015, I got a new part-time job.

I am the new Visual Arts Director of Greene County Council on the Arts (more on that later). In this job, I’m responsible for the visual arts program and gallery at the arts council, which is located in Catskill, across the river from Hudson, NY. It’s a great opportunity for me to use all of my skills in one place, as well as to meet more people in the community, especially creative people. It’s also a steady source of income that will be very helpful as I continue to build my freelance career.

In anticipation of how busy I’m about to be, I decided to cut my hair into a style that requires zero maintenance. 🙂

Looking forward, in 2016, I plan to:

– Kick ass in my new job.

– Renew my passport and travel abroad again, even if it’s to Canada (only a six hour-drive away).

– Get fit and strong with a daily yoga practice.

– Get published in more, and more higher-paying, publications.

– Write a screenplay.

Happy New Year!! Let’s ROCK 2016!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Catskills: First Impressions

After a 3-week, 4500 mile road trip across the U.S.A. with my dog, I’m finally in the Catskills of upstate New York. Yay!

And OH MY G-D.

Ever since arriving last Tuesday, I’ve been in a pleasant but no less real state of culture shock. Not surprising for someone who just traveled from a city of roughly 9 million people to a town with less than 5,000. I had fantasized what it would be like to be here countless times. Now I’m here and it’s… sort of everything I imagined it would be, and a few things I didn’t.

It’s only been a few days but these are some initial impressions (and images):

It’s quiet. So quiet I can literally hear the buzzing in my ears. This is great for concentration (why I came here), and also great for sleeping. Oddly, I’ve been sleeping like a rock and waking in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Unable to fall back asleep, I get on my computer to write (tonight at 2:30 a.m.) then go back to bed a few hours later. During the day, I’m full of energy.

It’s loud. Yes, it’s both quiet and loud… with the sound of insects, birds, wind, rustling leaves and the occasional passing car, truck or motorcycle.

It’s remote. The other day I had to drive 45 minutes (one way) and pay $2.00 in tolls to get to my bank. So much is done online these days, it might not be that much of an issue, but it’s definitely an adjustment. I’m thinking I’ll have to coordinate trips into the larger towns to coincide with other errands.

It’s beautiful. I’ll post some proper pictures later, but let’s just say I’ve had to stop the car a few times to take in some of the scenery. This is only a small hint of what’s to come.

It’s green, so very green. I’m grateful to have arrived in early fall so I can witness the leaves turning. Right now, I’m really enjoying all the lush green.

It’s alive. Farm animals, wildlife, critters… even the dead skunk on the side of the road was interesting.

It’s clean. I haven’t seen one piece of litter or trash — which is not to say I haven’t seen junk in people’s yards, but that’s different.

It smells good. The air is pure and fresh. On rainy, chilly days like today the air was filled with the scent of burning firewood and wet grass. The other day I walked by someone’s house and smelled the sweet buttery scent of an apple pie baking. I actually paused in front of the window and when the lady inside looked at me, I waved. “Smells delicious!”

It’s motorcycle friendly. There are bikers everywhere. In fact, this weekend there was a motorcycle festival in town, complete with live music, spaghetti wrestling and other activities. I didn’t go. But my bike just arrived yesterday, and I can’t wait to ride!

It’s really dark at night. The other night I drove home after dark and needed my high beams the whole time. I try not to think of slasher movies when walking at night. Actually, I try not to walk at night.

It’s friendly. Some people are quicker to talk to me than others, but those who have were extremely friendly. People have given me their phone numbers, invited me to events and introduced me to other folks within minutes of meeting.

It’s intellectual and creative. I’ve received more bookstore and library recommendations in the past five days than I have in 19 years living in Los Angeles, and heard there are many other writers and artists up here.

It’s cheap. Not only are the prices of necessities and services lower, but there are fewer opportunities to spend money. I’m not eating out, going to the movies, walking by stores or cafes. I literally haven’t reached for my wallet to buy anything in three days.

I’m excited to learn more about my new home, meet more people, and get a ton of work done.

Here’s to settling in. 🙂

 

 

Touchstones and Purging

After three weeks of packing, sorting, moving and saying goodbye, Ruby and I are FINALLY on the road. The last time I moved across country was exactly 19 years ago (August 1995). I remember it being hectic, but not quite as massive as this current move from Los Angeles to upstate New York. This moving process has been nothing short of revelatory.

In sorting through journals, letters, cards and photos (many of which pre-date my move to Los Angeles), I revisited past loves, relationships, friendships, as well as periods of grief, mourning, anticipation, travel, professional highs and lows, new beginnings, family milestones and family strife. Some of my friends suggested getting rid of these mementos. “Who needs them? They’re your past! You’re embracing your future!” Another friend reminded me, “There is only now.”

I did throw out a lot, but none of the journals and only a fraction of the letters, cards and photos. As a writer, especially one attempting to write a memoir, I feel like these touchstones are important, like little flash cards of life. This is when you did this. This is how you felt about that. This person loved/hurt/confused/helped you. When I get to NY, I plan to organize some of these items into chronological order. This way I can easily access my original recollections of specific time periods, people and events.

Other things I kept: favorite books, artwork, coffee mugs, office supplies, paperweights, notebooks, DVDs and clothing. I also kept several items of Kaz’s. Some things I plan to give to his family. Other things I plan to hold onto as long as it feels right.

I’m proud to say that I got rid of much, much more — over half of my belongings. Whatever I couldn’t sell, I either donated to a local church or threw down the trash shoot. It felt like a great purge.

Not ironically, within an hour of driving out of Los Angeles I started experiencing body aches, exhaustion, fever and nausea. Was it psychosomatic or something more serious? “Patient checked for Ebola in Sacramento!” a friend texted me. I told myself it was food poisoning. In any case, I couldn’t keep driving. I pulled over in Lost Hills, a tiny, dusty town off the 5 Freeway, and checked into a Motel 6. I slept for 14 hours, waking only once to walk Ruby and puke my guts out.

That was the day before yesterday. I’m feeling better now, and currently in San Francisco visiting my father for his 85th birthday. The road trip officially begins when we leave here this weekend.

I decided to take the Northern route: Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York. I’ll be visiting Redwood National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Badlands National Park, Mt. Rushmore, and many more places. If you have any other suggestions, please chime in. I’ll be blogging the entire trip, and meeting some bloggers along the way.

One more update: the Vegas production gig has been postponed (for the third time). I’m not going to mention it again until they send me a ticket. 🙂

Looking forward to sharing the journey with you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Closer to Leaving

Believe it or not, I still don’t know when I’m leaving LA. Before I go to NY, I’m going to be working on a film (as a coordinator) for a few weeks. It’s shooting in Las Vegas, and the shoot dates have been pushed back several times due to budget and scheduling issues (normal for independent films). Right now it’s supposed to start shooting on August 11, which means I would start probably at the end of next week. The plan is to pack everything up and send my belongings ahead of me to NY, then work in Vegas for a month. When the shoot is over I will pick up Ruby (she can’t stay with me in Vegas), then head out on our road trip to the East Coast.

This state of limbo since quitting the job and before leaving LA has been odd, but not entirely unpleasant. I’ve been getting work done and making progress, also making new friends. It’s ironic that I should start enjoying LA so much right before leaving. There have been days when I thought maybe I shouldn’t leave, maybe I should just stay. But I think it’s normal to start seeing things in a new light before a big change. I know I will miss Los Angeles, and California, a lot. But it will always be here, and I know with certainty that I’ll be back either for business, pleasure, or quite possibly to live.

Another major decision I’ve made recently is to not keep my LA apartment. Subletting wasn’t really an option. It’s prohibited in my lease, and the building manager lives in the building. I could have tried a ‘work around’ but, honestly, if/when I come back to LA, I don’t want to return to this particular place. It took me a long time to reach that decision, but ever since I did, I have felt a huge sense of relief. It’s risky to give up a cheap place in an expensive city, but since I don’t know what the future holds, I’d rather be free.

So, the Catskills await. It feels a bit like an arranged marriage – even though I know it’s not necessarily forever. I pray that I like it out there. I’ve already made some contacts with people who live nearby, and have a couple of job prospects. Through my sister’s network of people, and my own small network of NY people, I’ll be meeting plenty of folks and making friends, both in the Catskills and NYC. I’m not worried about that aspect. I’m trying not to worry at all, and instead practice patience and faith.

I can’t wait for the next chapter to begin.

 

FREEDOM

This past Friday July 4th was Independence Day in the United States, when we celebrate our independence from the United Kingdom after the American Revolution. As is typical on this national holiday, the weekend saw lots of fireworks, parties and barbecues. Traffic in Los Angeles was lighter, the beaches more crowded, and people generally seemed more relaxed.

I was quietly celebrating for personal reasons too as Thursday, July 3rd, was my last day at work.

Quitting is something I had been thinking about for years but wasn’t prepared to do for a variety of reasons. I was still grieving the loss of Kaz and unable to concentrate. I didn’t have a plan for what to do after I quit. I was afraid of being on my own. I knew I wanted to write full-time, but wanted at least one “break” before I could justify (to myself) making such a big step. So, I kept plugging away with my writing and patiently waiting for the deepest grief to work its way through me.

Slowly, I started to feel stronger, more focused. Then this year I took a writing workshop, met a bunch of new writer friends, and sold a couple of personal essays to Modern Loss and Narrative.ly — the latter essay leading to my first book agent.

None of these things made me any money to speak of, but that’s not how I defined the “break.” To me, the “break” was a sign (in the form of a significant opportunity or development) that would communicate, unequivocally, that I was on the right path. The events and momentum of the past few months gave me that sign.

By leaving my job, I’m taking a huge leap of faith and jumping off the ledge of security. To say I’m jumping without any fear would be a lie. But I relate to fear differently than I used to. Before I would have been paralyzed by it, or I would have confronted it to try to ‘understand it better.’

Now I move forward with only the slightest nod of acknowledgement. I know the fear (and danger) is there, but I don’t give any energy to it. What would be the point? I’m only interested in giving energy to things that will help me achieve my goals.

When Kaz died, I decided the most important thing in the world is to live an authentic and productive life. For me, that means operating at 100% of my true self and potential 100% of the time (or as close as possible). This is a large part of why I left my former job. It wasn’t a bad place to be. I’ll miss the people I worked with A LOT. But it wasn’t me.

Now that I’m out, I don’t take my new freedom lightly. On the contrary, it comes with enormous responsibility. Technically, I’m free to do whatever I like with my time. I don’t have to punch in and out like I used to. I have no supervisors, and no threat of being reprimanded or fired.

But I see my new reality like this:

• My new job is being a writer.
• I am my new boss.
• The business is me (my career).
• I cannot be fired, but if I fail to live up to my responsibilities, the business will fail.
• Everything I do from hereon is a business decision.

One day, I might have supervisors again. But for now, it’s all on me.

I believe I can do it.

Coming Out as a Blogger (via Freshly Pressed)

I just found out this blog is going to be Freshly Pressed. Today. Possibly in a few hours. The email letting me know was sent roughly 19 hours ago and I just noticed it (sorry, WordPress). First of all, I’m honored and flattered. Second of all… holy shit! Wasn’t I just talking about being shy about the blog!?! I guess those days are over.

Will this change how I blog? Will this be a curse like some say winning an Academy Award is the beginning of the end? (I would happily begin the end that way.) Or is this what Kaz would describe as “one of them good problems?”

Time will tell but I don’t think it will change anything. In fact, it might be the kick in the ass I need to get over this stupid shyness. After all, how will I ever be a professional writer if I’m shy about my writing? I’ve written a memoir for goodness sake. If you think I’m shy about the blog, imagine how shy I am about that. And yet, it’s something I’d still like to share with people… one day, in some fashion. Maybe the lesson here is I just gotta do my thing.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the entire experience of loving and losing Kaz, it’s that I cannot control a goddamn thing in this world… EXCEPT my writing. I can hardly control myself half the time but I definitely cannot control what happens in life (oh, how I’ve tried). I cannot control who reads what I write. I cannot control who likes what I write. I cannot control anything except the words on the page. And since I’m a control freak, you better believe I’m going to keep writing.

Which brings me to a phrase once mentioned in the caregiver’s support group I used to go to: Caregiver cajones. I think I just grew my blogging equivalent.

Thanks, WordPress!