Riding Bitch

The daily musings of a writer.


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Bah Humbug

I’m tired tonight. And sad. The news from Boston is just awful. I really don’t understand why anyone would target marathon runners for any reason. Or Boston, for that matter. Times like this I am either glued to the television or avoid it altogether. Tonight I’m avoiding it altogether. I can’t take more death and senseless killing. I’ve had enough.

I’m sad too because I’m tired. I got home with a tiny bit of energy that I was hoping to use to write but was quickly dissipated by a few business phone calls, feeding the puppy and making myself dinner. That’s all it takes to make me tired after a long day at work. I miss Vermont, when I had – or it felt like I had – all the time in the world. I definitely did not have work, puppy and business calls to distract me.

The good news is we have our two actors for the play I’m supposed to direct this summer. They’re both recognizable, acclaimed actors, not household names but you’ve definitely heard of, if not seen, their movies. We had been waiting for them to confirm their participation in the first table-read this upcoming Saturday and tonight, they finally confirmed. I guess that means I am directing them. I wish I could feel more excited about it at this moment but all I feel is exhaustion. And a sudden urge to lose 20 lbs.

There’s so much to do in the next few weeks/months. Besides prepare for this play I need to rewrite the script I just optioned (no small task), read several books, write the book proposal for my memoir, continue working on my pilot, continue training my puppy and work full-time. Oh, and blog. I’m just not sure it’s all possible. Something might have to give. Or I have to do one thing at a time. I’m always trying to do everything at once.

For now, I think I’ll go to sleep early and try to wake up early (fascinating, I know). Sorry to be such a downer tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity and pep in my step.


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Trying to be Zen and not Kvetch

For those unfamiliar with the Yiddish term, to kvetch means “to whine or complain, often needlessly.” Favorite use of the word in a sentence: “Is this truth I’m delivering up, or is it just plain kvetching? Or is kvetching for people like me a form of truth?” — Philip Roth, Portnoy’s Complaint. I try not to use the blog to complain but right now all I can think of are the things that are annoying me. Don’t feel obligated to read any further. I just want to get these things off my chest, starting with:

1. I’m tired. Between losing an hour to Daylight Savings Time and getting up earlier for the longer commute to puppy’s new daycare, I am seriously struggling to stay awake.

2. I hate traffic. It’s a little easier not to feel road rage when there’s a cute puppy sitting beside you, but damn does LA traffic SUCK, especially since I still haven’t figured out the best route to get to new daycare. I miss the days in Vermont when I could either walk everywhere or drive on roads with no traffic to any destination.

3. The puppy is a handful. Yesterday I had to stay home from work because she threw up five times before 9:00am. On the way to the vet, I discovered one of the seat belts half-chewed away. The vet actually came out to my car to inspect. Did she swallow half the seat-belt? Or a bone? Or a tennis ball? Not this time (thank g-d) but she definitely ate something that didn’t agree with her. Now she’s on yet ANOTHER medication, at least for the next 4 days. I love her and will do anything for her, but she is driving me a little nuts.

4. I’m crankier when I’m tired. I’m trying to get up even earlier now than before, at 3:30am, to make up for leaving the house earlier for the commute. Except I keep hitting the snooze button, so the alarm goes off at 3:30, 4:00, 5:00 then 6:00am before I finally get out of bed at 7:00. I’m sure this is driving the puppy nuts.

5. I can’t stand my job. Rather, I am grateful to have a job, income, benefits, pleasant work environment, nice co-workers, a desk with privacy and a window, and a very cool boss, but I can’t stand not doing what I love. This is what you call a “day job” – a job that pays the bills, not a job you’re passionate about and can’t wait to get to. There is no shame in having a day job. And as far as day jobs go, this one is pretty sweet (they let me go to Vermont, after all). I can’t say enough about how nice my boss is. But I’d rather be doing what I love: writing, directing, producing, working with artists, working with children, making art, making a difference, using more of my brain.

6. There is never enough time in the day. I’ve been asked to volunteer again this Saturday and feel torn. I want to help out but I also want a weekend to myself. Weekends are usually busy: puppy class, doctors appointments, laundry, groceries, cleaning, dog park. Can I squeeze in another few hours of volunteering?? If I don’t, will they think I’m not passionate enough?

7. I really miss having a partner. Besides missing Kaz’s voice, touch, wit, wisdom and everything else, I also miss having some help with life.

8. I’m not exercising enough and am overweight. Need to either get up earlier and walk with puppy, walk at lunch, or hike more on the weekends.

9. I’m not making enough money. It’s frustrating to be 42 years old and still scraping pennies to make it to the next paycheck.

10. My writing is going slower than a snail’s pace, which aggravates everything else because it feels like there’s no momentum.

Do I feel better now? Hmmm, not really. Though now that I’ve listed my grievances, I recognize that these are issues everyone deals with. They’re all within my power to change. And things could be a whole lot worse. Shame on me for complaining about all this BS.

I’m lucky to have a job, a car, my health, a beautiful loving dog, friends and family, wonderful memories of a wonderful man, a great love, a city where the sun is almost always shining and exercise almost always possible, and a blog where I get to write every day.

So, no more kvetching.