Riding Bitch

The daily musings of a writer.

A Mother’s Will to Live


Yesterday (March 18) was my mother’s birthday. She would have been 78 years old. She died at age 56. My mother had been seriously ill at different points in my childhood, so I had contemplated her death many times, beginning at 5 years old when she needed her first open heart surgery. Not that I understood what “death” meant at that age, but I was aware of the possibility that she might not come home.

Somehow though, miraculously it seemed, she did come home… over and over, after every operation. By the time I was 22, my mother had beat the odds so many times, to my young mind she seemed almost invincible, like a frail old tree that has managed to survive multiple natural disasters.

For this reason, despite her history of bad health, it was a shock when one day three weeks after my 22nd birthday, she collapsed in front of a neighbor’s house while walking the dog. Two hours later my brother broke the news, and I too collapsed (he caught me). It felt as if the entire world had been yanked out from under my feet.

My mother was the anchor and center of our family, the one person my siblings and I knew we could always turn to and rely on, a constant and unwavering source of unconditional love. She was an artist, music lover and world traveler.  She went back to college in her mid-40’s to finish the degree she had abandoned when my parents married. She finally learned how to drive after they split up twenty-five years later. In the year before she died, she and a high school girlfriend did a European road trip, visiting Switzerland, Italy and Germany. She also visited New Orleans for the first time, and returned saying she could move “in a heartbeat” to either New Orleans or Florence, Italy.

She spoke English, Hebrew and German fluently, the latter only with older relatives. It always surprised me to hear her laughing with her aunts, or saying something under her breath to her brother, in German. She once told me that she liked writing poetry in English more than Hebrew (her native tongue) because English had so many more words to choose from. She loved movies, literature and laughter. A few of her favorite authors were Philip Roth, Toni Morrison, Sonia Sanchez, James Baldwin and Somerset Maugham.

She was beautiful: rosy cheeks, jet-black hair (later, salt & pepper) and deep blue eyes framed by beautifully arched eyebrows. Her only regular beauty regiment was applying face cream and plucking her brows. She never wore a stitch of make-up, and she never died her hair. She was opinionated, but also fair-minded and wise. My older siblings and their friends would often seek her counsel. Me being the youngest and barely out of the rebellious teenage years, seeking her counsel (and listening to it) was still relatively new. We were just beginning to make the transition from the traditional mother/daughter hierarchy to adult(ish) friends when she died.

As cliche as it sounds, there was something special about my mother. She once found a shiny bauble on a Tel-Aviv sidewalk, only to find out that it was a diamond worth over a thousand dollars. The boyfriend of a friend, upon meeting my mother for the first time, gave her the crystal necklace he was wearing off his neck. His girlfriend urged her to accept. Strangers, children and animals were all drawn to her.

Hours before she collapsed, she had received, separately and completely by coincidence, wonderful news from both of my siblings, news that she had been waiting years to hear. My last conversation with her was a bit more tense (something I still regret), but we did speak about the college film I was directing, and I knew she was proud of me. My siblings and I have a theory that, with all the good news she heard that morning, she might have died of happiness.

We never asked for an autopsy because we felt like her body had been through enough, but her doctors had their theories. They also revealed their genuine surprise that she had lived as long as she did. These men of science credited her will to live as the reason. 

Physically frail but iron-willed, she left her mark on the world.

My mother and me

My mother and me

Author: nivaladiva

Freelance writer and independent filmmaker.

15 thoughts on “A Mother’s Will to Live

  1. Wow. What a stunning tribute to a remarkable creative and loving spirit. It is written with so much love.

  2. Beautiful Niva. I lost my 50 year old mother at 24 years of age so I can relate a lot to this. She sounds like a wonderful spirit xx

  3. Your mother is lovely – and to read your words, and extraordinary woman, who passed on her wonderful spirit and love of life to her children. I lost my mom back 10 yrs ago, when I was 39. You are right – no matter when we lose a parent, challenges face us regardless of where we are in our lives. My biggest regret is the fact that she has not gotten to see her grandsons – now 19 and 16. All that she has missed and would love to have seen. Jordan is working on his first movie in school and Peyton is working on National Honor Society things and has decided to major in engineering – like her dad. I so wish she was here to see all of this.

    • I think my siblings, who both married and had children after our mother passed, would agree with you that this is one of the major heartaches. She loved children and would have adored her four beautiful grandchildren.

      Glad to hear your kids are doing so well. I’d love to see that film when he’s finished!

  4. This is so beautiful and it’s so clear that your mother is still with you. What a magnificent woman!

  5. You nailed it again Niv

  6. What a lovely, and loving tribute, Niva.

  7. This is beautiful, thank you for sharing this piece.

    I lost my mother when I was 14. It’s never an easy thing no matter what age.

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